(in other words: why yoga speaks to me)

When I was younger you would have never seen me on an athletic field or court. I did try out for the girls cross country when I was in 7th grade - that didn’t go well for many reasons. My outlet was keeping good grades, concert band, marching band & writing.

Being from a poor, dysfunctional family my life was in limbo after I was done with school in the early 90’s. I hadn’t applied to any colleges because I didn’t know how & my parents were too busy absorbed in their own drama to help.

One day I got a call from an Army recruiter and he had asked if I ever thought about joining the armed services. No. Not for any other reason than no one in my family was very patriotic or military minded. I thought I’d see what the recruiter had to say. My weight was the only thing really holding me back. I’ve always been a mid-size girl. So, he came out twice a week to begin teaching me how to run and do basic exercises. I loved it. I loved

how strong I got in such a short amount of time.

In my active duty Army service I always maxed out the physical fitness tests, went to airborne school and excelled at my job - intelligence analysis. I met my husband, had a kid, got out & followed him around as he stayed in.

The first time I felt betrayed by my body was after I had my daughter and we were living in North Carolina. My body was so full of pain. My muscles ached, my joints ached and mentally I was spent. I was trying to keep up with a very active 1 year old, I was a stay-at-home mom for the first time and I had no friends. Trying to get sleep was like torcher. I dreaded laying down at night because it would just be 8 hours of pain and then my husband would literally have to help me get out of bed. Eventually, I went to the doctor and they did all the tests. Nothing came up on blood work, MRIs, x-Rays, or anything else. So, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

Having this diagnosis was not helpful & I felt so much more betrayed by my body than before. I had only found out how strong my body could be a few short years earlier. Then, before I was even 25 I felt as if I was 80.

I’m not sure when I started to feel pain going away, but eventually things calmed down. I was still not my strong self but I was able to cope and live. However, I eventually started having swelling in my hands and my shoulders were hurting. I was able to see a rheumatologist & they found out that I had Lupus. My kidneys were in rough shape. That was February 2002.

Fast forward to 2025 and I have now had many different “Lupus Lessons”. Some have brought me great wisdom and most have brought me to my knees. The biggest lesson of my 20 plus years of having a body with Lupus has taught me is: your approach to daily life has to be different.

What do I mean by that?

What I was able to do today does not mean I will be able to again tomorrow. What I have the energy for this morning doesn’t mean I’ll be able to complete today.

So, I may want to go for that long nature walk or lift some weights to help my aging muscles. But, that means I might have to take a long time to recover. I really don’t like this about my chronic illness journey.

I took up yoga as a gentle way to move my body. That’s how it started. Thankfully, that’s not how it ended. As I continued to step on the mat, I learned I really needed to listen to my body. I would find a YouTube class and sometimes these yoga sessions were more insane workout, contortion, stretch classes. I even hurt myself a few of these times. But, I did love how I was able to move - just like when I discovered running properly so long ago.

Yoga was something that met me where I was at. It didn’t care how long I was on the mat, how long I meditate, how many different poses I could do. Everything I needed for it was already in me.

I ended up stepping outside my comfort zone after the 2020 pandemic and attended a yoga teacher training in 2022 at Joshua Tree, California. I had a lot of online homework and online meetings before the actual physical teacher training. I drove, alone, all the way from Seattle to southern California. I had never drove this amount of distance on my own. Outside my comfort zone.

The in-person training was a 10 day intensive that started at 7 am and ended at 8 am. I did not know any of the other 11 people there and the feeling of Army boot camp was not an understatement in my 47 year old body. By the second day I was beginning to doubt I’d be able to keep up. I came to a point where I accepted any outcome. If my body gave up and I wasn’t able to keep up then that was ok, I was there to learn more for myself. I desired a deeper understanding of all the 8 limbs of yoga and how to be safe on the mat when I’m doing my own asana practice. If I wasn’t able to complete this and be certified that was ok because at the time I did not want to teach others.

Taking teacher training was exactly what I needed. I have not stopped in my learning and will never be able to stop. Seeing that yoga is more that what you see on the mat was the biggest help for me and my up and down health. Being able to sit still, meditate, breathe and accept my body is the biggest lesson yoga has brought me.

Everything I need for happiness is already within me.